Sir,
The eco-freaks are trying to kill me.
I live in a small suburban street and I usually cook human food each day and then flush it down the toilet. This was so that neighbours will smell my kitchen and to provide empty wrappers and cans to leave out for the dustmen to collect. They would then believe that I eat. Camouflage is everything.
No more.
The mortals in my city have recently discontinued the weekly collection of rubbish bags. There are now alternate weekly collections of trash for the dump, alternating with collections of recyclable materials such as glass, paper, card and plastic. I must try to fill an enormous wheelie bin the size of a teenager’s coffin with stuff or else people will begin to suspect that I never eat.
I am not a wealthy vampire. I can ill afford to waste cash on even more groceries. I have taken the pledge and gone non-lethal, but it means that I have to spend even more of my nighttime hours in seducing people to feed on. Mine is a pleasant and orderly neighbourhood at the edge of town. There just aren’t enough muggers for me to make a decent living stealing from and dining on them. Please don’t suggest drug addicts, Mr. Blackburn. I refuse to live off junk food.
I really don’t want to revert to predation as I would need to hunt quite far afield. We have very few homeless people here and hardly any illegal immigrants, so culling a few would not be an option as even a handful would be missed. I’d have to travel to the nearby cities in that case.
How am I to fill up these monstrous bins and blend into the background and still stay solvent?
Why were the old days so much simpler?
Worried,
Alderley Edge,
10 comments:
Dear Worried of Alderley Edge,
Easy, tiger!
It sounds like you’re on the edge there. I think you’re trying to find an excuse – any excuse – to return to the bad old days. I understand, believe me. I know it’s a tempting thought; to travel to some out of the way place and find this sweet, untraceable little foreign thing - perhaps she’s working au pairing or in a meat-packing factory somewhere below the Minimum Wage - and sink your teeth into her tender white Eastern European flesh. To feel the hot, rich blood pumping and pulsing into your mouth. To revel in the matchless flavour of the gushing scarlet draught…
But no, Worried. No. A thousand times no! It must not be!
I think you’re forgetting your vampire survival skills.
We most of us have at least low-grade telepathy or telempathy. Profitable to judge the happiness or despair of your fellow poker players, yes?
And what about our powers of suggestion?
With all the environmental propaganda nowadays, make yourself a collecting tin and ID badge and get down to the town centre on dark Saturday afternoons. If you exert a powerful but understated background glamour to resemble a potential saviour of the planet you’ll find the streets full of people willing to dig deep for the high denomination stuff. The months leading up to Christmas are best. In the festive season the mortals mix wishful thinking about this wicked world with the desire to make it a better place. I can easily pick up a grand or two on a gloomy Saturday afternoon, which is easier on the clothes than going after muggers and loan sharks’ collectors. Plus it’s a good way to meet girls. Most tree huggers will believe absolutely anything you say if you say much you revere Mother Nature, so you hardly need to use those hypnotic eyes on Greens. Look how soppy they’ve got lately about the poor, doomed polar bears, so you might even get a drink out of the deal too.
Worried, with that kind of cash flowing in, you can easily afford to fill a trolley or two at the all-night supermarket and still have money left over for things you actually want: bladed weapons, shoe trees, furniture wax, and the like. Use your vampire skills, my friend, and the world will once more be your oyster and you won’t have to turn predator again.
Regards, and happy shopping,
AB-.
PS. And if the worst comes to the worst, and you do get noticed and someone breathing comes sniffing around with serious body-piercing in mind? Remember that you wrote that wheelie bins are the size of a teenager’s coffin? Hold that thought. That’s all I’m saying. Just hold that thought.
You fruitbats make me puke. Whining about having to fit in, making money, making a mess so the cattle think you’re human. Just take what you want. Go into their homes, feed, kill them and steal their money. Only the senile believe that rubbish about needing an invitation.
You’re not real vampires at all. You’re bloodless disgraces and one night soon we’re going to deal with you. The cattle will never befriend us - they’ll always be either on our chests or our payroll. We’re going to own the only payroll on earth in a few years’ time. We’ll have the whole damned world and you lot, you toothless revenants, will be the first against the east-facing wall when that Last Dawn comes.
Our thralls are taking more and more control all over the world and we own their power. Our armies will be mighty and the slayers’ will be weakened and the lights will go out and in the darkness that our servants make in the great cities, we will feast. Where will you run to then, you little freaks? What human weapons will protect you when true vampires walk the night openly?
Enjoy your ‘peaceful co-existence’ and your ‘Eternity Without Cruelty.’ You’ve got nine years. The first continents-wide fuel shortage brownouts are planned for the fall of 2010. Legislated antipollution electricity rationing will follow throughout Europe the next year. North America will be low-carbon by Inauguration Day 2013.
Instead of Inauguration Day, January 1, 2017 will be Last Dawn.
Nine years, milksop. Enjoy their company while you can, because when The Night comes, the humans will be bar-coded and shared out amongst the victors. You just won’t be around to see it.
Anonymous, I let your hateful post go through so the humans can see what they and us enlightened vampires are up against. This is the internet, you can’t hide behind denials and ‘it’s all just horror stories’ forever. The mortals will notice – and some of them already have, of course.
I wouldn’t be so sure of your schedule, Anonymous. Your best laboratories got cleaned out a few years back, and I bet that a lot of the stuff your renfields smuggled out was destroyed in September.
Granted, the Peace Movement is a tiny minority of vampirekind, because even some very dedicated slayers have made common cause with us against you raptors lately. I think the future’s a little brighter than your plans intend. Electricity rationing by 2011? I don’t think so.
Some human’s bound to point out your top agent’s named after clotting blood eventually.
So go ahead and hide in your hole for now, Anonymous, because love and understanding, and the co-operation between vampires and humans can win this war.
You’ll see.
Possibly quite briefly.
AB-
Sorry my reply’s taken a while. Every now and then I visit friends south of the Rio Grande. We dine out. Mexican food's so hot.
Blackburn, you’re worse than the damned Irishman. The mortals are food. Cattle, to be precise, and they’ll believe anything they’re told if only it soothes them and offers the good life. Most of them prefer to ignore our agents’ work. They look away from any evil that will cost them blood and treasure and peace of mind. They’ll blame the messenger rather than join your fight. So go on ‘building bridges’ fruitbat. We’ll keep our activities below the news horizon and have our media people spin them as fiction. We’ll defame you and yours through the usual channels. There’s not a university in Europe or North America that’ll let you say the big chill’s on its way without shouting you down, and most won’t let you visit to speak at all.
The Ice Age is coming, boy. At last we have the first generation of true breeding all-climate polar bears. There soon won’t be a city in the temperate zone where unarmored humans can safely walk the streets in daylight. Combined with electricity rationing, we need scarcely wait for the Big Snow to fall. We’re good in the snow, as field tests show.
Hang with the humans, you abomination, while they’re still free range.
Remember, Inauguration Day, January 1 2017.
I’d like to see polar bears go up against modern firearms. The humans can mow them down with massed automatic fire when they collect together and hunting rifles when they come singly.
True, I’m persona non grata on most campuses, but the internet lets me say what I like and you can’t stop me. There are enough good-hearted humans, reasonable slayers and decent vampires out there to fight you, Mister Anonymous, so don’t count your chickens till they’re hatched.
And you’re not so good in the snow – you seem to have a leadership issue, don’t you?
AB-
No hurry, drip-feed.
We’ll take a decade to take the guns off them, and then what will you and a handful of soccer-mom slayers and demented priests do then? In the darkness? With a UN-mandated worldwide hunting ban on ‘endangered’ polar bears? If you don’t think that’s coming, then you ain’t seen the PR campaign that’s coming up real soon. Within a year or two, Ursus Maritimus will be as inviolable as cows are in India and dolphins are everywhere else. You gonna shoot our bears through human shields of cute school kids with placards?
Leaders we can get. We’re just waiting for the armies to come home and disband, and then maybe a couple of thousand PFCs, Noncoms and combat officers are going to lose their tans forever.
O say, I can see the Dawn’s early light. Catch you later, fruitbat.
Hey Blackburn! I didn’t like the teenager in a coffin comment, okay? It sounded kind of personal. If I think you’re serious, I’ll pay you a visit over there if I have to. I like Europe, much. I’ve got my people watching you, okay? You call yourself one of the good guys, so where do you get off making a crack like that? Get with the program, buddy, you hear?
Oh, and ‘Anonymous’, lay off ‘the Irishman’, okay?
It’s a pleasure to hear from you, ‘Sierra.’ My Lucy is a huge fan.
So I made a joke to cheer up a fellow vampire. Big deal. No need to make a song and dance about it.
And I AM one of the good guys, but not everyone in your business has your record of asking questions first and staking later. If the rumours are true about your youth, then if you’d met me back then you’d be smashing the furniture into kindling before we were even introduced. But don’t you worry – I’m leaving the mortals alone, apart from volunteers.
Did you notice that ‘Anonymous’ signed off exactly at dawn on Eastern Seaboard Time? Which is when you posted your first comment. You must have just woken up. You’d be better off looking for Anonymous, Sierra, or putting your mates on the trail if you’re still retired.
We CAN live in peace, and I intend to. Even those freelancing lads figured that out in Montana last year, and no harm done to them or theirs (by vampires) since. So let’s actually live in peace, okay?
Lol,
AB-
Whatever. I’ve learned vamps are most unreliable when they’re being nice, so I’ll just keep my slaying options open. You’ve been warned.
Must go. Actual life, I have now.
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